This is Our Life

Last week my Husband and I were standing in the kitchen together, tag-team washing/drying/packing the several bags of bottles and breast pump parts and packing lunches for the next work day. We operated in a seamless robotic fashion, a well oiled machine. At some point our eyes happened to meet and without so much as an ironic smile he said "this is our life". I instantly burst into laughter; the teary-eyed, hysterical, exhausted kind of laughter. "THIS IS OUR LIFE!"

I have been back to work for a little over a month now, and while the transition has not been totally seamless we are surviving. We have developed a work night routine and seem to be functioning reasonably well on severe lack of sleep. On work days I literally do not stop! This entry is especially dedicated to my Son. SOMEDAY I am going to make it mandatory reading material, possibly at some ungodly early hour during his teen years.

My day begins at 5:00 am. I take a quick shower, get dressed and start the coffee! I pack my lunch, get something started in the crockpot for dinner and scarf a quick breakfast. Once my car is packed with everything, including my new best friend -the breastpump - I retrieve Levi from bed and we have our "20 minutes of bliss". There is something so sweet about nursing your baby in the serenity of the early morning quiet. Possibly because I know how many hours will pass before we have the opportunity to cuddle again. In a morning of rushing and hurrying these precious minutes center and relax me. I put Levi back down and my Mother-in-Law arrives around 6:00 am. We are SO BLESSED to have a Grandma who is able and willing to come to our home and watch Levi. It is a real comfort to me knowing he is in her loving, capable hands and able to spend these days in the familiarity of his own space. We are so grateful to her! Around 6:15 am it is off to work. I have mastered the art of hands free pumping while driving. I hook myself up and head out, one plus of driving to work in the semi-darkness! I make sure to follow all traffic laws, as I am sure that would make for an awkward traffic stop!

Despite the long workday, time really flies! My job is go, go, go! Trying to fit in three pumping sessions has proven quite challenging but I am committed and taking it one day at a time. So far I have been able to keep up with Levi as far as supply and demand, for which I am very happy and thankful. I typically get home around 8:00 pm. I unpack my car, take a quick shower and scoop my baby into my arms! We nurse and read a story while my Husband finishes dinner, a blissful 30 minutes! Once the baby is in bed it is time for a quick dinner, 30 minutes of TV and relaxing together before we hit the kitchen to wash, dry and pack it all up again for the next day. WHEW! Hectic does not begin to describe these days.

Despite the chaos of a two person working family, we are making it "work". We especially try to enjoy our rare days off together. I anticipate life will only increase in chaos as we add more commitments and as our family expands even further (someday in the FUTURE - no April fools joke here). I must admit having a career outside the home helps me to put my days with Levi in perspective and gives me a renewed patience and enthusiasm with my Son. I am really enjoying watching him grow and learn. Being his Mommy is my favorite full time job!

I remind myself daily that there are no perfect solutions. We do the best we can with what we have. I am trying to remember to count my many blessings and slow down to enjoy him as much as possible. Even in the difficult moments, I look at my Husband and my Son and I can smile. I smile because I am so very happy and even in the craziness of the day to day, "this is our life".

Four Months

Levi Everett, today you are FOUR months old!

What a joy you are, you amaze us daily! You are growing and developing so quickly, it is so exciting to watch. A few weeks ago you decided you wanted to start rolling from your back to your front. You quickly mastered that skill and now we can hardly keep you on your back. You actually enjoy being on your tummy now! You are able to tolerate it for several minutes and you reach for toys, your current favorite being a Baby Einstein piano. It makes us laugh that since you have started rolling from back to front, it is almost as if you have forgotten how to roll back from front to back. But as soon as we help you flip to your back, you are rolling again. Two skills at once is a challenge, no doubt you will be combining them very soon. I have a feeling you will be hard to keep up with once you are on the move. You still love being outside, you get very quiet and stare at the wind blowing the trees, the sky, the birds. It is all so mesmerizing so we go for a lot of walks. You already weigh 15 pounds 14.5 ounces and you are 25.5 inches long. You laugh when we sing you songs or make funny sounds and faces at you, hearing your laugh fills my heart so full it feels like it might burst. You are getting better at sleeping, yay! We still have a long way to go but a lot of the time I can lay you down for a nap awake and you fall asleep (sort of) on your own. We are still swaddling you, I have tried leaving one arm out but you're not quite ready yet. Left unswaddled you pull out your pacifier or rub your face until you wake up, maybe next month! You still wake up a few times to nurse most nights, I pull you in bed for a cuddle and snack and then you will go back down in your bassinet for a few hours. I went back to work last week and it has been quite an adjustment. Long days away from you are very hard on me, but Grandma Taylor comes to take good care of you and it is comforting to me to know you are with someone who loves you so much. What a lucky and loved boy you are! We are enjoying every memory we are making with you and looking forward to all the sweet moments to come.

Today you are four months old.

The Mommy Car and the Mommy Dilemma

As promised "that day" has arrived.  Tomorrow will be my first day back to work since having Levi and as expected, I am sick about it.  These past sixteen weeks have passed at warp speed.  Mommy friends have served as a source of support and assured me that we will both survive the painstaking transition.  I have appreciated their honesty, and based on such I fully expect a rough start and most likely some tears (mostly on my end).  I think some part of me has been in denial for 16 weeks, fantasizing that some miracle would allow for me to continue to stay home with him while still being able to keep the money ship floating.  Alas, no miracle.  Just the reality that in life we cannot have it all.  Sometimes we must make hard choices and there are no perfect solutions.

I worked very hard for my career.  Nursing school was an absolute bitch to tackle, a testament to the literal blood, sweat and tears it takes to be a nurse.  I do not want to give up the profession I worked so hard to earn a place within.  I recognize that someday my babies will grow up and I will be able to re-focus my attention into what I hope will continue to be a fulfilling career.  My own Mother gave up a job outside the home and invested her entire self into me and my siblings.  In retrospect I feel that she may have suffered from not having something for herself outside of being a Wife and Mother.  Though there is no doubt we benefited from her being home full-time.  However, I cannot help but wonder if her emotional health would have been bettered from having something else for herself to help her have her a more balanced sense of self.  It is hard to say.  Nothing has ever come close to giving me the joy and satisfaction I have experienced through being Levi's Mommy.  Even during the desperately hard times I am full of joy and gratitude, though in that moment it is sometimes extremely hard to recognize.  

Working mom, stay-at-home-mom; the proverbial grass is greener complex!  On one hand, I want to be home with Levi full-time.  To be the one who he wakes up to every morning, who cares for him, teaches him, sings to him, makes him laugh and wipes his tears.  Nobody can do these things like a mom can!  On the other hand, there are student loans to pay, insurance to cover and groceries to buy.  Someday I want to be able to take him to Disneyworld, to help him buy his first car or pay for college.  It is the dilemma we all face as parents and particularly as moms.  Each choice has its sacrifices, its list of pros and cons.

About two weeks ago I bought myself a new car.  Not NEW new, but new to me and the closest to brand spanking new that I have certainly ever had.  I have always paid cash for my less-than-fancy vehicles and really looked forward to having a nice vehicle.  Along with a new car comes a new car payment.  Not fully a "necessity", though packing a sedan with a baby and all the stuff that comes with a baby was becoming quite a challenge.  It is certainly something I waited for, planned for, and saved for; but it was also a choice.  The mom car has become a symbol, a commitment to myself that I was going to tackle returning to work.  It made it a little easier to say to myself, "You are going to do this and you are both going to be okay."

As I type this with a lump in my throat and a nursing baby on my lap, I cannot help but glance at the clock.  The hours are passing so quickly today.  I am making a promise to myself that I will enjoy every moment with my Son, today and all the other days I have with him.  When I am at work I will think of him and his Dad and remember why I am working so hard.  That is, of course, as long as I do not spontaneously combust on the drive to work tomorrow.  All jokes aside, my biggest hope is that as he grows he will have a rich bank of happy memories from which to draw.  I know I will miss my little man desperately tomorrow which will make it that much sweeter to walk in just in time to nurse him and rock him to sleep.  Right now, we are going to spend the next few hours cuddling and playing, singing and reading.  We are going to make some memories.