The Mommy Car and the Mommy Dilemma

As promised "that day" has arrived.  Tomorrow will be my first day back to work since having Levi and as expected, I am sick about it.  These past sixteen weeks have passed at warp speed.  Mommy friends have served as a source of support and assured me that we will both survive the painstaking transition.  I have appreciated their honesty, and based on such I fully expect a rough start and most likely some tears (mostly on my end).  I think some part of me has been in denial for 16 weeks, fantasizing that some miracle would allow for me to continue to stay home with him while still being able to keep the money ship floating.  Alas, no miracle.  Just the reality that in life we cannot have it all.  Sometimes we must make hard choices and there are no perfect solutions.

I worked very hard for my career.  Nursing school was an absolute bitch to tackle, a testament to the literal blood, sweat and tears it takes to be a nurse.  I do not want to give up the profession I worked so hard to earn a place within.  I recognize that someday my babies will grow up and I will be able to re-focus my attention into what I hope will continue to be a fulfilling career.  My own Mother gave up a job outside the home and invested her entire self into me and my siblings.  In retrospect I feel that she may have suffered from not having something for herself outside of being a Wife and Mother.  Though there is no doubt we benefited from her being home full-time.  However, I cannot help but wonder if her emotional health would have been bettered from having something else for herself to help her have her a more balanced sense of self.  It is hard to say.  Nothing has ever come close to giving me the joy and satisfaction I have experienced through being Levi's Mommy.  Even during the desperately hard times I am full of joy and gratitude, though in that moment it is sometimes extremely hard to recognize.  

Working mom, stay-at-home-mom; the proverbial grass is greener complex!  On one hand, I want to be home with Levi full-time.  To be the one who he wakes up to every morning, who cares for him, teaches him, sings to him, makes him laugh and wipes his tears.  Nobody can do these things like a mom can!  On the other hand, there are student loans to pay, insurance to cover and groceries to buy.  Someday I want to be able to take him to Disneyworld, to help him buy his first car or pay for college.  It is the dilemma we all face as parents and particularly as moms.  Each choice has its sacrifices, its list of pros and cons.

About two weeks ago I bought myself a new car.  Not NEW new, but new to me and the closest to brand spanking new that I have certainly ever had.  I have always paid cash for my less-than-fancy vehicles and really looked forward to having a nice vehicle.  Along with a new car comes a new car payment.  Not fully a "necessity", though packing a sedan with a baby and all the stuff that comes with a baby was becoming quite a challenge.  It is certainly something I waited for, planned for, and saved for; but it was also a choice.  The mom car has become a symbol, a commitment to myself that I was going to tackle returning to work.  It made it a little easier to say to myself, "You are going to do this and you are both going to be okay."

As I type this with a lump in my throat and a nursing baby on my lap, I cannot help but glance at the clock.  The hours are passing so quickly today.  I am making a promise to myself that I will enjoy every moment with my Son, today and all the other days I have with him.  When I am at work I will think of him and his Dad and remember why I am working so hard.  That is, of course, as long as I do not spontaneously combust on the drive to work tomorrow.  All jokes aside, my biggest hope is that as he grows he will have a rich bank of happy memories from which to draw.  I know I will miss my little man desperately tomorrow which will make it that much sweeter to walk in just in time to nurse him and rock him to sleep.  Right now, we are going to spend the next few hours cuddling and playing, singing and reading.  We are going to make some memories.