I knew before I was even pregnant that I wanted to breastfeed. I had a crash course during my OB rotation in nursing school, supposedly even learning how to teach mothers how to breastfeed. I laugh at this now. Really, what did I know? Even so, I knew all the benefits and craved the bond that develops between mother and child. I read a few books and we even took a prenatal breastfeeding course to prepare ourselves. While this preparation was helpful, I am a believer that breastfeeding is one of those parenting skills which requires "on the job training". I also realize for some women, breastfeeding happens almost effortlessly. I admit that with my background and preparation I had anticipated I would fall right into this category. However, on par with my labor and delivery, Levi and I struggled to find our groove. This is our experience...
Following my Son's birth we were provided an opportunity for skin to skin bonding time. During our breastfeeding class the lactation nurse had explained that even newborn babies, if placed on their mothers bare chest, would crawl their way to the breast and often latch themselves on. This is actually true! My Son did display this behavior right away, and so I awkwardly tried to nurse him for the first time. We did not have much time to practice during our bonding time and soon we were moved to our postpartum room. After visiting Family members had gone home, and the nurses were done with their tasks, we tried again. I wasn't sure if he was latching on correctly but he seemed to be a vigorous eater.
The facility I gave birth at is very "baby friendly" and provide excellent services to support breastfeeding. I was very eager to utilize these resources and began to ask my nurses for help right away. I requested the lactation consultant to visit as well. Each nurse had suggestions, and there was one night nurse in particular who was very helpful. I produced what she said was a good amount of colostrum. I felt very confident that Levi and I were off to a good start! The lactation nurse observed us and reassured me we were doing well. She offered a few suggestions and educated me about what to expect in the coming days. I logged our feedings and diapers as I was instructed. I left the hospital with our two-day-old Son feeling confident that my milk would come in soon and we would be off to the races!
That is not what happened. From that point on, nursing my child became very challenging. My memory of those days are admittedly foggy. The emotion and physical trauma of childbirth, the exhaustion, the lack of sleep; they all contribute to frustration and a lack of composure. It was very important to me that I be successful at breastfeeding. I put a lot of pressure on myself and if not for a support system of my Husband, a special Nurse, a few Friends and my Family, I may not have weathered the storm!
The first night at home was as we had expected, difficult. Levi was an alert, active baby from the very beginning and very resistant to sleep. I tease that he is afraid to miss anything! That first night home was no exception. I sat up in bed, nursing him most of the night. Latching him on was still very clumsy. He nursed for 45, sometimes up to 75 minutes at a time. Less than an hour after eating he would cry and root dramatically until I nursed him again. Despite my preparation, I had not anticipated I would be nursing almost constantly around the clock. I had also not been fully prepared for the gap between disappearance of my colostrum and my milk coming in.
Fast forward to day of life three. We had been home a full 24 hours. Levi was extremely hard to settle, and continued to nurse constantly. I began to feel sore especially when he latched on, but continued to nurse him on demand. He developed a peely rash around his lips. As exhausted, concerned Parents we decided to take him to the doctor.
At the doctor's office, Levi was weighed. The nurse read his weight as 7 pound 13 ounces. He had weighed 8 pounds, 12 ounces at birth. I was completely startled! I knew babies lost 10% of their birthweight during the first week, but this sounded like a huge drop in just 3 days. Introducing...MOMMY GUILT. I felt awful! I had sensed something was off and this was confirmation, I was starving my child. I was devastated and anxiety swept over me at the thought he may have to be re-admitted to the hospital for failure to thrive. The doctor walked in and before I could even start to explain our problem, I burst into tears. Guilt, fear, exhaustion...I was a hot mess! She was very kind, reassured me that I was doing a good job and that my milk would come in soon. I explained to her how I wanted to avoid formula, and especially a bottle until I had established breastfeeding. I had gotten it in my mind that having to use these things meant I had failed. Failed to provide him exclusively breastmilk and an opportunity to learn how to correctly nurse before introducing a bottle. The doctor explained to me that the loss of weight was expected, but that he would need to be fed soon so it wouldn't continue. She assured me that she thought I could wait one more day if I wanted, but that she would send me home with formula and a syringe "just in case".
At home, the three of us sat in the living room. Levi cried frantically. He rooted and attempted to suck on his fists. He was HUNGRY. With tears in my eyes, I told Randy "Okay, fine, let's give him formula". I felt so defeated. Levi drank the formula from the syringe. When we finished feeding him my Son lay quiet. He was finally full. Guilt continued to sweep over me as I held my happy, satisfied baby. We napped together.
My postpartum hormones must have been raging, because when I woke up I immediately cried, and cried HARD. Randy was doing his best to support and comfort me, he suggested I contact the Lactation consultant. I am so glad I made that phone call. I explained that I had a newborn who had lost 10% of his birthweight at 3 days. How I had nursed him all night and he continued to act very hungry. How he must have been starving and that I was sure my milk had not come in yet. I tried to hold back the tears but the nurse heard the desperation in my voice. She asked me if I could get to the clinic (it was 4:30pm, they close at 5pm), and told me she would stay overtime to work with me. We hurriedly packed my car: the baby bag, the Boppy, and the baby (After a diaper change, of course. Babies have a sensor that goes off when their parents are in a hurry to go somewhere.).
I must have looked positively haggard. I had tears in my eyes and could barely speak. She asked me to sit down and relax, to breathe. She reminded me there are only two rules when it comes to breastfeeding. One, Mom must be comfortable. Obviously I was in violation of that rule. Two, baby must be fed. She explained to me that milk usually comes in between day 3 and 5 and that it was OKAY to give him formula. She worked with Levi's latch, and she instructed us in a method with allowed us to supplement at the breast while continuing to encourage my milk to come in and teach Levi to breastfeed. She created a plan for us and she reassured me I was doing a good job. She SAVED me. By the end of that session I could breathe again. I felt reassured that we would tackle this hurdle and that my baby would be fed.
Over the next two weeks, My Husband and I worked together to pump, supplement and feed our baby. We operated as a team. It took a whole 6 days for my milk to come in, but Levi was fed. I continued to see the lactation nurse who helped me to overcome latch difficulties, pain and cracked, bleeding nipples. It was a difficult three weeks, but we survived together. I learned that I had not failed because I gave Levi formula. We had done whatever was necessary to nourish and care for our child. THAT is what a parent does.
Not every mother chooses to breastfeed and not every mother is able to. I want to explain that my story is not meant to make a statement or judge formula or bottle feeding, I respect all choices. I simply wanted to share my passion for breastfeeding and my own difficult experience with tackling it.
Levi and I now enjoy a wonderful nursing relationship. He remains an enthusiastic eater and thankfully my supply is keeping up! Through the challenges we have formed a very strong bond. I love that I am the only one able to give him that form of comfort and nourishment. I am so HAPPY that I persisted and so very GRATEFUL for the support system that allowed me to do so.
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