A disclaimer: So as to capture the true feeling of my labor I have failed to spare most of the details. Plus, I am a nurse and I cannot help myself. Read at your own risk!
My induction began somewhere in the 7:00 p.m. hour. The doctor allowed me to have dinner and instead of accepting the hospital tray (being a nurse, I have a severe aversion to hospital food...BLEH!) I sent Randy to Del Taco, "the last supper". Though I did decide against the deluxe chili cheese fries, a wise decision! We had dinner and settled in for the night. The doctor had decided to induce me using pitocin and something called "mechanical dilation". Sounds uncomfortable, right? UNCOMFORTABLE could have been considered the understatement of the year in this case. Basically what mechanical dilation refers to is inserting a rubber balloon into my uterus, inflating it with water, and attaching a liter of IV solution to provide tension at the other end to pull, stretch and therefore, dilate. Let the cascade of medical interventions begin! Because I was receiving pitocin, I needed to be continuously monitored. I was tethered to the uncomfortable labor bed with only short bathroom trips for relief. This would prove to be one of the most difficult parts of my labor. Being restricted; unable to walk, move around and listen to my body's needs made labor SO much more difficult. The contractions began to get stronger and stronger, but I was able to breathe through them and even sleep a little in between. Every so often I heard my nurse enter the room and turn up my pitocin drip, or adjust the external monitors. For the most part that night is a long, blurry memory. Likely due to the ambien my MD prescribed, to help me rest...wowza!
I remember the contractions became more and more painful. Eventually the balloon fell out which meant I had reached 3 centimeters dilated. A whole three centimeters, WHOOPEE! At this rate I felt like I might be in labor forever. Eventually I asked for something to take the edge off the pain and the nurse offered me medication through my IV, fentanyl. It sounded a bit extreme, but at this point I was up for whatever. It did not relieve all of the pain, but did allow me to relax for about an hour which was nice. At some point in the morning, I think it was around 9:00 am or so, the nurse checked me and estimated I was four centimeters. (Insert wimper...). I had hoped I would do all my early laboring at home and avoid the disappointment of hearing how SLOW everything was moving, but induction had robbed me of that. I was receiving the max dose of pitocin and the contractions were quite painful at that point. The doctor suggested breaking my water to help encourage dilation. "Sure, and go ahead and get that anesthesiologist in here too." I knew breaking my water would make my contractions stronger. "That anesthesiologist" might as well have been a knight riding in on a white horse. I received my epidural, a beautiful moment! For quite a few hours the pain subsided and I was able to sleep. Breaking my water had revealed that my amniotic fluid was meconium stained, infection was a concern. They placed another tube in my uterus called an amnio infusion, basically a tube which continuously flushes the uterus with saline. The interventions continued... They placed internal monitors to track both the baby's heart rate, and my contraction strength. There were some signs of distress in the baby's heart rate and he seemed to "like" only certain positions. I was placed on my left side for the majority of the rest of my labor. At the time, this felt like torture! The epidural drained to my left side, and became ineffective on the right. I was not able to do anything during contractions except lie there. This caused me to tense up for each contraction, exhausting! I had dilated to 6cm, but in several hours made no progress from that point. Discussions about the possibility of a C-section began but Randy and I continued to ask for "one more hour" as long as the baby was tolerating the labor.
I had waited all my life to experience giving birth. I was willing to do ANYTHING to deliver vaginally as long as it was safe for baby. That day was easily the most challenging day of my life. I could not have imagined how painful and exhausting it would be to endure labor, especially with so many unnatural interventions restricting me from doing what my body was telling me to do. The contractions caused by the pitocin were so unbelievably strong that I really do not know that I could have gotten through it without pain relief. I have a whole new respect for women who labor and give birth naturally! My body seemed to resist labor fervently, but we pressed on.
At some point around 5:00 pm on November 13, my own primary OB came on duty and visited me. Again, we discussed c-section and he told me all the reasons why some women just are not able to deliver vaginally despite every best effort. He reiterated that my body was in a nice strong contraction pattern but without progress soon it was probably not going to happen. He promised me one last hour and said he would return to check me and we would make a decision at that time. I began to wrap my mind around having a C-section. In my mind I knew it was not the end of the world, and that I would have my baby either way when all was said and done. I began to mourn my desired birth experience and even asked Randy and Desiree to start packing up the room as we would be moving quickly if we had to go for surgery. I think I had basically come to the conclusion that my body was just not going to cooperate and allow me to deliver vaginally. I felt defeated.
Around 6:30 pm nobody had yet come to check me, when something changed drastically. I began to feel the full force of the contractions. My epidural had packed up all its belongings, and abandoned me! I remember horrific back pain like a vice squeezing my lower spine, along with the painful tightening of my entire abdomen. In hindsight, I believe I was going through transition phase. After almost 23 hours of labor I was so exhausted that I could no longer regulate my breathing and I lost all control. I watched my heart rate climbing and grew anxious knowing I was at risk for infection. I had already spiked a fever. Because of my nursing background I feared the worst scenario, a blood infection. "Something is wrong, something is wrong; get the nurse". In my mind I decided I had lost the fight, and I would go for the C-section. I remember my Sister pacing back and forth, wondering out loud why nobody had come after several minutes and calls. I sobbed from the pain and called desperately for relief. After what seemed like an eternity, my RN and the nurse midwife on duty came. They wanted to check me one last time before deciding if we would head to the OR. I cried to them "something is wrong, I know it, I can feel EVERYTHING." The midwife checked my cervix, and gave me some very unexpected news. "Well I know why your epidural isn't working, you're completely dilated." I almost did not believe her, I had done it! My body had finally responded and now I was going to meet my baby. Except...oh yeah, there was more work to be done. Now, I would actually have to push. Oh boy...
Things happened fast at that point. A new RN came on duty and began to direct me in pushing. Randy held my left leg, and Desiree my right. Later, my Sister laughed as she told me how surprised she was that I did not use more colorful language while pushing. I just kept saying "Oh Jesus, Oh Jesus." I told her in that moment I was praying for mercy. Some miracle to help me push out what I thought was surely a 10 pound baby. Pushing is HARD WORK. I tried to channel my Mother's famous advice and push my bellybutton out as if to "pop the button on my jeans" but in the end I went for the good ol' bowel movement push. And boy, did I! I am pretty sure I pooped all over the room. In fact, there is a funny story about Randy picking said poop up off the floor when everything was over. His attempts at getting the nurse's attention to do so were unsuccessful and I suppose he just could not stand the sight any longer. But really, who can blame him? This was one of the most hilarious moments, and definite proof that he loves me.
I pushed for about an hour. I remember feeling like I would never be able to push out what I was absolutely sure was going to be a unusually large newborn. At some point the nurse told me if I kept pushing the way I was, I would soon meet my Son. Finally! A light at the end of the longest tunnel I had ever been down. I pushed with everything I had left. The nurse called in the team for delivery, among which were a NICU nurse to check the baby, and the midwife. About the time the midwife arrived and started suiting up, the RN told me to stop pushing and wait for the midwife put on her gloves. STOP PUSHING!?!? There was no FUCKING way I was going to stop pushing! My body had a mind of its own and I was no longer the navigator. I am pretty sure I screamed at her "HURRY, I cannot stop pushing, I HAVE TO push, I AM PUSHING". There may have been more expletives, I don't really remember. The midwife sat at the edge of my bed and I gave one last push. I felt a strong and distinct POP. I do not remember if someone told me his head was out, or if they told me to stop or continue pushing. However, I do vividly remember the first time I laid eyes on my beautiful Levi.
The minutes that followed forever changed me. I had dreamt of that moment for as long as I could remember, imagined what it would feel like. All cliche's aside, that moment surpassed every expectation and was truly the most special of my life. Following said "pop", a warm, wet, tiny pink body with the biggest, darkest eyes I have ever seen came flying through the air to meet me. Our eyes met instantly as he was placed on my chest. I recognized him as mine right away and I was in total awe. I sobbed and I laughed at the same time. I held him close and felt his skin on mine. The miracle that had Randy and I had created through our love for each other; the little person who had grown inside me and pushed my body to its absolute limit; this tiny, perfect human being; our Child, our Baby was finally safe in my arms. I was in love with him instantly despite every painstaking, exhausting moment. Our Son had arrived and with more truth than I could have anticipated, I would never be the same. I do forgive, but I hope I never forget.
And so, our adventure began...
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